I was pulled over a few months ago for speeding. Since I am generally a terrible driver, I didn’t feel so badly about it. Most of the time I’m paying more attention to my singing than to the road. So it wasn’t a big surprise to be caught. What was a big surprise was the asininity of the cop who pulled me over. He must have been new, because he actually hit on me AFTER writing the ticket. Hello, dumbass? I’m certainly not going out with you now. It went down something like this:

Officer: OK, Gigi, here is your ticket. Remember to slow down. Where were you heading?

Gigi: I was going to work.

O: Where?

G: The library.

O: Oh….are you a student?

G: No. I’m a librarian.

O: Ohhhhhh….(glazed look comes over his face) Where do you work?

G: The library around the corner.

O: Mmmm…is it true what they say about librarians?

G: No.

O: Oh. Uh…so maybe I’ll come by the library some time.

G: Yeah, well everyone’s allowed in the library…

He then proceeded to tell me that I could get out of the ticket by going to court and pleading not guilty, because he’s a very busy guy and there was no way he’d go to court and testify against me. But, alas, I was too afraid to lie in court, and chose to take defensive driving instead. COMEDY defensive driving, baby! How bad could it be?

The class was held in a rather seedy looking comedy club in a not-so-nice area of town. I walked in on the first night and was taken aback by the strange atmosphere of the classroom: A large conference room permeated with the smell of stale smoke and filled with bizarrely upholstered chairs. Where does one purchase evil clown print upholstery fabric?

The instructor, Mr. Funny Pants, seemed like an affable guy. We started with a film which had a serious Texas judge telling us that we were lucky to be able to take defensive driving. Mr. Funny Pants won a place in my heart by voicing over, “Hi! I like little boys and have panties on under my robe. I usually don’t share such personal things with strangers, but I feel comfortable with you-all.” Ha!!!

That was actually Mr. Funny Pants’ best moment. Damn, he peaked early. The rest of his jokes were a mix of “life as a Latino” bits, peppered with homeless and handicapped jokes for good measure. Ah well….defensive driving isn’t a reward, after all. Mr. Funny Pants noticed that he was falling flat and kept saying, “I’m just kidding.” in the deathly silence after every joke. Ugh.

The other law breakers in the room were mostly men. Interesting. Ladies, defensive driving class may be a good place to scoop up a fella. There were a couple of cuties there: a few young muscley types, a few who looked about my age, and a handsome older man who was reading a book. Lovely!

Happily we were allowed to order food from the bar. Sadly we were not allowed to order cocktails.

Mr. Funny Pants knew that none of us were happy with the po-po at that time. So he launched into a series of cop jokes. “Be respectful to cops, “ he said “they were the guys we all picked on in high school, so they’re sensitive.” Awwww.

After the first hour I wondered how I was going to sit through two nights at three hours each. Then I remembered…I was able to get a Master’s degree in library science! I can sit through anything.

I sat through some films. One was a Disney movie, where Goofy was a bad driver with road rage. Who knew Goofy was such an asshole? Frankly I always suspected Mickey of being the real prick of the group. My favorite film of the evening was Path of Thunder II. A sequel! This movie was about avoiding death by trains. It was narrated by a seriously creepy railroad guy sporting HUGE aviator glasses. Yikes. He seemed to be a sadist, as he just loved talking about people who were crushed to death by trains. We got to watch a few reenactments, including the best one where horny Paco was anxious to get to a party before all of the girls left, so he goaded his stupid friend Steve into crossing the wildly dinging railroad barriers. Good work, Paco. Fiery death for you.

I had a defensive driving dilemma. The free comedy club coffee would keep me awake, but it might also keep me up all night. Did I dare partake? I have a special love for cheap crappy coffee…like the kind from gas stations or McDonald’s. I’m a classy gal. I went for it….and later stayed up all night watching Cartoon Network and crime solving shows. Sigh.

So I was totally exhausted on night two. And running late to the class, so I sped all the way there. The irony was not lost on me, my friends.

There were two comedians on night two for EXTRA COMEDY!! It was somewhat funnier, but there really wasn’t much they could do to make the six hours pleasant. The fact that they were aware of this made it far more bearable. And there was a whole new crop of cop jokes on day two. I never get tired of those!

The films on day two were classics. One had a narrator who seemed to be obsessed with penetration. He wanted everyone to avoid having the space around their car penetrated at all costs. Penetration from behind was particularly distressing to him. Naturally, every time he said “penetration” I had to stifle giggles. It was like when Shakira and I couldn’t stop laughing at the word “seamen” on the cruise. I am a dork.

The final movie was called Under the Influence II. Wow. Another sequel. I wonder if we missed anything by not seeing the originals? I sort of missed the DWI films from high school, full of horrific car crashes and destruction. This one featured badly dressed police cadets doing a “scientific experiment” by driving a course sober, then getting ripped and driving it again. All in the name of science, of course. The guy in charge told them sternly that this experiment would “teach them the seriousness of driving drunk,” but I saw the glint in one cadet’s eye. He was thinking, “I’m gonna get deeee-runk at work! Awesome!” Hmmmm…could that be my huuuuusband? Maybe….if we could rework his fashion and shave off the gay mustache. It was fun to see the future cops driving all crazy-like on the obstacle course. It was pretty curvy and complicated, though. I don’t know if I could drive it sober. At the end of the movie one of the cadets was so drunk that he has his head on the table while the other ones discussed their experiences. A female cadet remarked, “Look at Williams! He didn’t even drink as much as the rest of us.” Poor Williams. All over America bad drivers know that he’s a pussy.

Finally we took the test…which consisted of some of the stupidest common sense questions like “When it begins to rain, a driver should: A) speed up. B) slow down. C) exit the vehicle. D) cry.” We all passed and the pain was finally over.

I recommend comedy defensive driving if you are unfortunate enough to get a ticket. It isn’t fun, but it’s not the sheer hell of serious defensive driving. You can eat, watch dumb movies and have a few laughs. And it’s all over in two short days. Nearly painless and well worth it!