Gigi and Shakira are forced to participate in the evacuation drill. With their life jackets over their heads, they gather in the GalaxZ disco with the other members from their muster station.

“Damn, I need a mister station,” Shakira mutters. She spies a couple standing next to them. The entire crowd has been shushed, as they wait for instructions from the bridge. Since she can’t talk to Gigi, she elbows her and nods at the couple. They are wearing matching caps: one says, “Bride” and one says, “Groom.” Oh God. The picture of lameness. And they look like they hate each other. Happy marriage!

The words “trained seaman” make Gigi and Shakira laugh uncontrollably. Damn, between that and the Bride and Groom hats, they are calling way too much attention to themselves.

Finally the evacuation drill is over. Back in their cabin, Shakira reads the notes about making sure to put all valuables in the safe.

“Shit, I’ll tell you what’s valuable is this ass!” she says, taking a swig of the first of many cocktails.

There’s this large Plexiglass light source in the corner of the room underneath the TV. It has a drawing on it that the girls decide to call “Titan.” He’s a Zeus-type figure with a staff in his hand.

“Whoa, Titan has a hell of a staff,” Gigi remarks.

It’s later that afternoon that Shakira wonders in a drunken stupor: Why are we watching a Nashville station in the middle of the Caribbean? She downs another strawberry daiquiri. She’s hanging with two of the bartenders in the Wheelhouse Bar and Grill. Pacey, who is from South Africa, and Howie, who is from England. Shakira watches the way they flirt behind the bar and thinks sadly that it’s such a waste. What a couple of hotties! And they only have eyes for each other. It’s confirmed when Pacey pulls out a mix CD for Howie.

“Pacey doesn’t want a wife and kids,” Shakira tells Gigi when she stumbles back to the room to primp for dinner.

“Yeah. That’s because he wants a hard salami,” Gigi replies.

The next morning the girls laugh at the Drink Special of the Day: Goombay Smash. It’s just fun to say. Goombay Smash. Say it five times fast. Then drink two Goombay Smashes and try again. What the hell is in a Goombay Smash anyway? Read about it here.

“What time are we in port?” Gigi wonders as she checks out the Cruise News.

“You can be in this port anytime,” Shakira mutters as she spies a delicious man cruising the deck. She wonders how many sexual boat jokes she can make. And declares that she must be drunk for the entire cruise. She wonders idly if the jokes will get better or worse.

Later at the Red Hot Piano Bar, the girls decide that as they get drunk they forget that the boat is moving. This is the definition of equilibrium. Yes. Shakira orders another Violetta.

The Red Hot Piano Bar crew is hilarious. And a great group of singers. Check out Big Mama. She can sing, girl! Shakira asks Big Mama where her husband is. “At home where he belongs!” she says. Then she goes into a tirade about moving to Mexico in advance of the civil war brewing in the United States. Whoa. Too heavy. It’s time for another round of “New York New York.” The girls line up at the back of the bar and do some kicks. Shakira tries not to let her shoe fly off and kill someone.

After a rousing rendition of “Great Balls of Fire,” The Red Hot Piano Bar Crew debates the Big Bopper’s real name. Richard Bopper? Mr. Bopper? Nope. Nothing. Another interesting fact: the girls find out from Wilma and Betty that in the bayou, the pirouge is the back seat.

“Hmm….I thought a pirouge was some sort of potato product,” Gigi muses and takes another swig of her drink.

“Do That To Me One More Time,” is being sung.

“Ha!” Betty says with a laugh and a light of her smoke. “’Do that to me one more time’” implies that you got it once.”

The next day is time for Mexico. Hello Cozumel! Hello Carlos ‘n’ Charlie’s! Hello boys! Shakira goes to work immediately, scamming a free yard glass drink-thing. She wonders—briefly—what the hell is in it. But who cares? Hottie McBoston has just purchased it for her. Unfortunately, Hottie McBoston has to leave this port in just a few minutes. Shakira sends him off with a kiss and looks around for Gigi.

Instead of finding Gigi, who appears to be dancing with the Dos Equis girls, she finds a Mexican-German boy. “What did you say your name was? Pablo Picasso?” Shakira asks. She can’t really remember. “You can paint me anytime!”

The girls spend the next day lounging on the beach. It’s a place called Mr. Sancho’s and for some reason this makes the girls snicker with delight. They feast on some delicious fajitas, try out some new drinks and try not to listen to the annoying Ted behind them. She is torturing her friend with a neverending diatribe about weather. Gigi and Shakira wonder if Ted can swim. They observe that Ted has a mustache. Ew.

“Shut up Ted,” Gigi says under her breath. Mmmm. Electric Lemonade.

The girls spy another Ted. This one they dub Whiney McWhiner. He’s busy explaining to his extremely tan family how exotic Sol beer is. Really Whiney McWhiner? Sol? Because it just can’t be found in the U.S. Dude, even The Strip in Lubbock has Sol. Aside from that, McWhiner thinks the water is too cold. And everyone’s faces in the extremely tan family are peeling. They look like monkeys, peeling pieces of skin off of themselves and each other. Gross.

After the beach, it’s back to the boat for more lyrics at the Red Hot Piano Bar. The girls enter the bar and hear the Miss America theme being played just for them. Wilma is impressed with Shakira’s Miss America wave. “She’s got that wave down!” she says.

“She’s been practicing for years.” Gigi explains.

Attila is bartending this evening, a delicious young thing in a bowtie. “Attila could be my hun!” Gigi says. Her hun brings her another drink.

Shakira looks at her own tropical beverage. “There are a lot of short stemmed cherries on this boat,” she observes. “What do you think that means?”

The girls are thoroughly equilibriated! After the final round of "Lucille" they stumble off to their stateroom and into their crisply made-up beds.

"Goodnight!" Gigi slurs.

"'Night," replies Shakira, "Sleep Titan!"

Gigi and Shakira 05.03.04