It's My Birthday: Round Two

Birthday Round Two begins at Maudie’s for dinner—of course!—because I heart their queso.  We are discussing the hypothetical reality show that would star El Dilector and his female companion Nyesky.  “What would it be called?” I muse.
“Beauty and Brains!” El Dilector says.

“Well, we’ve got Nyesky covered,” Davito says, “What about you, El D?”

Meanwhile, GB is telling us about a crazy meal he had once upon a time: “The chicken heart was delicious until I found out it was a chicken heart.” 

That sort of makes sense.

Our next stop on the party train is Lavaca Street.  This is where we watch pre-game television and someone calls that Ty Pennington guy a douche.  We debate the finer points of properly insulting someone with the term. 

“Well, let’s think about what douche actually means?  It’s a vagina cleanser, so is that what you’re calling a person?” Diva points out.

We sort of wonder if that's really a correct insult.

Then a commercial for Avatar comes on and I stare at it, my head cocked to the side.

“What…does that movie…mean?” I ask.  “I mean, I think I just got really old because all this stuff happened on the TV just now and I…I just don’t know what it means.”

TDawg and El D are both enthralled with the preview and cannot wait to see the movie.

“It just means you’re not an undersocialized male,” Diva says, gesturing to the boys.

“What is the movie about?” I ask El D.

“Duh, it’s like Dances with Wolves in space.”

Oh, okay.  That clarifies things.

Nyesky buys us all a birthday shot.  It contains the following: Red Bull, peach Schnapps, Malibu rum and Crown.  Should this shot be called Death by Liquor?

It’s time to roll on, so we walk down the street to a place called Shiner’s Saloon.  This is where MackTate and his party train have made their most recent stop.  We find Mack and gang watching each other play video games.

“Um, so let me get this straight—your big night out is watching each other play video games?!” I say to MackTate.

“Settle.  It’s early,” he points out, pulling out his phone. 

It’s only 8 p.m.?   What the what?

Some guy taps me on the shoulder.  “Hellooooo,” he says, as if I have been ignoring him.

I turn around to find a heavily bearded man in smart guy glasses.  I peer at him and finally recognize him as a guy I know named Colorado, but I haven’t seen him in years.  “Well, hello there,” I say, giving him a hug.  “Sorry I didn’t recognize you.  You look sort of homeless.”

Colorado is highly offended by my comment.  But honestly—the beard really threw me! 

I have the bartendress make me something new.  “I’m bored by my standard drink selections,” I whine.  Gigi has brought me a bottle of something that looks delicious called X-Rated.  “Let’s try that!” I scream gleefully, pointing to an identical bottle behind the bar.  The bartendress obliges and whips up a fabulous cranberry cocktail.

“Oh, so it’s good for the urinary tract,” I say, nodding. 

We hang out at Shiner’s Saloon and wait for something to happen.  I’ve had about ten drinks at this point, including the crazy shot, and so far nothing is clicking.

“My drunk is broken,” I say to Mack.

“You can fix that,” he says.

Next up Nyesky wants to take us to her brother’s bar to get more birthday shots.  We go to Madison and walk in just as they have opened.  This means the entire bar is deserted.

While I’m in the bathroom, however, attempting to put on lipstick, the lights practically go off.  Apparently the normal lighting just kicked in.  I can’t see my lips, let alone the line for lipstick.  Ah well, who’s watching me?  I exit to find I’m wrong.  It’s an entire room full of faces.  Eeeek!  Seriously—four walls, each 20 feet high, each wall-papered with faces.  This place is like falling down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland.

We take our shots, but Gregorio declines.  He says something about shots making him black out.  That’s so silly—never happened to m—oh, wait.  Never mind.  Good policy, Gregorio!

Because Madison is deserted and it’s time for my favorite bar, we hop in a cab to go down to Jimmy’s Irish Lair.  It is simply too cold to walk!  Our cab is a hybrid Prius.  Nyesky tells me that she doesn’t like her parents’ Prius and I agree.

“Shhh!  We’re in a Prius!” she says.

I wave a hand dismissively toward the driver.  “Is he going to kick us out because we don’t like his car?” (I hope not.  It’s freakin’ cold outside.)

Upon arrival at Jimmy’s, I am informed there will be no music requests for me tonight—there is a DJ.  Say what?  A DJ?  Here?  Sigh.  Gone are the days when I could feed dollar bills into the juke box and listen to my heart’s content.  Bartender J-One gives me a request sheet, though and says I can put down as many as I want.

I come up with five or six songs and then go to visit the DJ to submit them.  He’s standing next to the aforementioned abandoned juke box with his crappy-ass set up.  Both El Dilector and I inspect the CDs without much enthusiasm.

“Oh.  Madonna.  GB will be thrilled.”

We return to the front porch of the bar.

“This DJ idea blows,” we complain to our Birthday Party People Train.  “He has, like, four, dusty, shitty CDs.” Seriously, how does this guy stay in business?

We endure a few of the crappy songs.  He plays favorites such as Men At Work, “Land Down Under” and….oh bloody hell that’s the only one I can remember because I take a terrible video of El D, Gregorio and GB dancing and singing along with it.

“I hate this song,” El D yells.

It’s time to move on, obviously, so we had to Creekside to visit Oso.  I’m standing at the bar when El D points out some girl he used to date whom I never had met.  I yell her name as she’s on her way out, she turns around and then I giggle uproariously, which makes no sense.  Oh hey, did I forget to mention my drunk is no longer broken?

She leaves.  “Why was she wearing a wig?” I yell at El D.

“What wig?  That was her hair!”

Oh.  Hum.  Outside, Oso mixes up yet another birthday shot.  This one is going to fuel my awesome dance skills.  Gregorio and I shake it up on the dance floor.  There is a minor incident which involves me falling, but I’m pretty sure I look cool before and after.

Back to Triple Cinco for the After Party.   I totally insist on accompanying El D, Nyesky, Gregorio and GB to Music Gym, but upon arrival I’m toast. 

“Okayyyyyyyy back home now,” I decide, and GB is kind enough to walk me back to my hotel.

I pass out and congratulate myself on lasting ten hours.  Didn’t make it to twelve, but still, well done.

***

I text GB the next morning (afternoon):

“Did we tell strangers in the elevator that if you were straight we’d be in love?”

“Yes, but they were gay so it is alright.”

-Shakira 12.28.09