The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman
Episode 7

This episode takes place in Hawaii. Apparently Andy wants to see if the ladies have what it takes to be Navy wives. Ooh, this is the episode with the overnight dates! Cue "lei" jokes, please.

Andy surfs, showing us that his body is still hot. He talks, but who is listening? Mmmm. Oh...he's saying something about looking for a good Navy wife. Ick. Thanks for killing it for us, Andy. His plan is to show the ladies the USS Arizona. Sounds fascinating. Let's see if the ladies are good at pretending to be interested.

Bevin arrives first and is promptly 'leid' by Andy. Hee. He shows her around the memorial and she asks a few questions and tries to sound interested. She may be fooling Andy, but she's not fooling the G&S girls. We feel you, Bevin. The memorial is a snooze.

Next up is Danielle. Andy is not one for mixing it up...first he leis her (still funny!) then he bores her with the memorial. He tells her that it's customary to drop flowers into the water and she pulls them off the lei and drops them in the water. It's basically the same with Tessa, quick lei-ing (har!!) then tour, then flowers in the water. But while he's with Tessa, a little girl approaches and starts winging flowers into the water after Andy gives her some. She seems like the type of kid who could benefit from a little Ritalin in her cereal. Andy tells the girl that Tessa is his "girlfriend." Ooh. The moment makes him think about what it will be like to be a daddy.

Andy tells us that Kauai is the most romantic island. Gigi though Maui was pretty hot, but she's willing to give Andy the benefit of the doubt. He takes Tessa on a romantic zip line ride. Yeah. Putting some stupid harness on your ass and zipping over a big ditch is reaaallly romantic. Oh Andy....where's the sex, sand and pina coladas? Sex, sand and pina coladas should be Hawaii's new tagline. Andy should not be their spokesperson.

Tessa says that she hasn't really "opened up" and the G&S girls decide to start their drinking game again. So she hasn't "opened up" (glug) but she's plans to "put herself out there" more (glug, glug). Ah! We love Tessa.

They kiss while wearing their helmets and it is sooooo not sexy. But they keep on. Ew. Then Andy cartwheels in a field. Again...not sexy. They finally go to the beach to have drinks and watch the sunset and it is very pretty. Tessa says that she feels a "connection" to Andy (glug!).

Later that evening, on the beach, Andy is wearing a white jacket with black pants and a black shirt. It looks very warm. And a little weird, like he's going to be in the video for Puttin' on the Ritz. They sit in a hammock and Tessa compliments him, which Andy enjoys. They kiss. Then they go to dinner and he gives her the ever so cheesy "fantasy suite" note. He acts like the note thing is totally out of his hands and all the host guy's idea, "Er, Chris said to give you this note..." Tessa is into it, so they leave.

The G&S girls always hope that the "fantasy suites" would be full of naughty toys and that just one of the bachelors would pull out a ball-gag and a paddle and tell the ladies that he's been very very bad. But this never happens. Alas. The room is very nice, though. There are lots of candles all over the place and a bubble bath has already been drawn. They sit on the couch and Tessa says more about "opening up" (glug) and they make out. Then they head for the tub in their robes. Are they gonna get all nude in the bubbles? Nope, they get into the tub in their swimsuits.

Andy's next date is with Danielle. Andy says he feels a "connection" to her (glug!). Danielle says that she's going to "put it on the line" (glug) and that she's "putting it all out there" (glug, glug).

They go on a boat and watch dolphins swim around. Then they kind of snorkel, but really they make out underwater with masks on. Jeez, first helmets and now masks. Andy sure likes props! Danielle asks how much longer he has in Hawaii. She is clearly anxious to get her ass back to Mom and Dad's house!

She reminds Andy about her visit to a psychic who said that she would not be staying with the guy she was with at the time. And then he died. Eek! Once a psychic told Gigi that she would not be staying with the guy she was with. Gigi had accompanied said guy to the Renaissance Festival and had ducked into the psychic to escape all of the freaky group role-play. Gigi felt that having to accompany someone to the Ren Fest had been an even better indicator that she was with the wrong dude. But anyway. Danielle's her third love will supposedly be "the one." According to her, that's Andy. Later, they have dinner on the beach and Andy brings in another psychic. This psychic tells them that she doesn't tell the future, she's merely giving them a forecast of possible things that will happen so that they can make choices. Um, ok. Guess we could all be psychics.

The "psychic" uses regular playing cards. Where did Andy find this chick? She tells Danielle that she is a good communicator, which really seems a little off actually, but Danielle thinks this is right on. Then she says something about her being sad about old losses and that she needs to let go. Danielle acts like this was the most amazing thing ever, but really, who hasn't had losses? Who doesn't need to let something go? The G&S girls are going to start working for the psychic hotline, 'cause this is way too easy. Andy asks if he'll be engaged by the end of the Bachelor and the "psychic" tells him it will be a choice between his heart and his head. Cliche much?

Andy asks Danielle more questions about the loss of her ex and residual fear. Danielle tells him that love is worth the risks if it works out. Is it not worth the risk if it doesn't work out?

Andy presents Danielle with the Fantasy Suite card, again blaming it all on that dumb tool Chris. Danielle is all for it. They go back to the hotel room and Danielle asks the romantic question, "How many kids do you want?" Ew. The G&S girls are thankful that nobody ever asked them that on a date. Andy says he'd like 2 or 3.

"Aren't guys cute with their 2 or 3?" Gigi says. Her pregnancy amnesia has not yet hit.

Danielle, who has never been pregnant, readily agrees. Bring on the babies! Danielle says that she still sees the joy in her parents' faces when she does something special.

"Well she sees their faces every day..." Shakira notes.

Bevin is next. She has a cute pink backpack! They go kayaking.

"Isn't this paradise?" Andy asks. "Would you like to live here?" Boy he needs a lot of validation.

"Yes!" Bevin gives it to him.

They jump off a waterfall and kiss in muddy algae filled water. Then they go to dinner. It's a private luau! Woo-hoo. Gigi went to a luau on her honeymoon, and it was really cheesy, but really fun. Andy and Bevin hula with the professionals. Andy finds it "hot." He mentions again how he and Bevin have "electricity." Then he asks Bevin why she went on the show. She says that she is looking for her husband, lover, best friend, baby daddy, etc. Hmmm...maybe she should have gone on the Bachelorette. She could have had one of each. She tells him that she wasn't ready in the past, but now she is. He says that she "did stumble" in the past, but he is happy that she told him about it. If only she were wearing the scarlet D so he could have weeded her out before feeling all that "electricity."

He gives her the Fantasy Suite note and of course she says yes. Does anyone ever say no?

It looks like the same Fantasy Suite that the other girls went to. Lots of candles, blah, blah, blah. At least there are strawberries and whipped cream. They slow dance, cheesily. Barf.

The next day Andy is confused. So he takes his shirt of and goes jogging, much to the delight of the Bachelor audience.
He decides to talk things over with his best friend Gatsby. Gigi mishears his name as "Gaspy" and wonders if that was some sort of fratty nickname for an asthmatic guy. Alas, no. He's Gatsby. We have yet to find out how great he is.

Andy describes the ladies to him. He says Bevin is a liberal and a wild child. You know because of the divorce. Lame.

Gatsby asks who Andy sees at the finish line of the iron man triathlon with his kid? He doesn't know. Maybe it's Supernanny!

Gatsby's input is less than great and it does not help Andy at all. He doesn't know what to do and says it kills him to have to break anyone's heart.

Finally, it is rose time. He does his typical speech. They are all amazing, blah blah blah.

The G&S girls predict that Danielle will be going bye-bye tonight.

And the roses go to: Bevin and Tessa. Right again! Go Gorgeous and Sassy!!

Andy takes Danielle for a walk. He thinks she's AMAZING. That is his favorite word. He says that he has to trust his heart. All in all it's not a bad speech. She is cool about it and tells him that he has set the bar for the men in her life. She doesn't cry about it. She probably didn't really feel it either.

Next episode is the finale!!

Gigi and Shakira 05.20.07