The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman
Episode 3

Did you know that Andy the Bachelor is not only an officer and a gentleman? According to the opening scenes of the show, he is also a humanitarian! So why does he have to go on tv to find someone to date? The G&S girls are still a little unclear on this part.

At the Mansion of Desperation (MOD) a drill sergeant screams at the Bachelorettes. To add insult to injury, the guy is super scary looking and giant veins pop out all over his bald head when he yells. Yikes! He's like a rage-filled Mr. Clean. "Welcome to boot camp!" announces the annoying announcer dude. God, they are really torturing the ladies this season. Though they aren't expect to kiss Lorenzo, so maybe it all evens out. Sgt. Clean informs the ladies that there is a rose for whoever does the best at boot camp, and the good sarge himself will chose the lucky lady. This would not be enough enticement for the G&S girls. There are other roses that do not require an unpleasant boot camp experience. Gigi and Shakira would have snuck off for beauty naps.

So, like a scene out of the actual Officer and a Gentleman movie, the sarge yells in the girls' faces while they scrub the bathroom floor with toothbrushes (hopefully not their own!) and do push ups and other exercises. Although several of the ladies come from Texas, Sgt. Clean doesn't make any cracks about steers and queers. Everything falls apart when they get to the tire course. Bevin trips and starts bawling. She'll never be an army man!

Andy senses a damsel in distress and rushes out to her aid. He uses his doctorly skills on her ankle and diagnoses a fracture. Bevin really seems to be in pain, as she is howling unattractively right in front of Andy. Or maybe she's figured out that he loves a wounded woman, so she's milking it. Either way, the wailing works in her favor, as he presents her with the rose. He gets into the ambulance and goes to the hospital with her. This all would be kind of sweet, except that the G&S girls notice that Andy's nipples are hard and showing through his shirt. So it's kind of creepy. On the upside, the whole stupid boot camp thing is over.

The first group date will be at a spa! This sounds nice until we find out that the gang will mainly be hanging out in the spa's big mud puddle. They all throw mud around and smear it all over themselves and each other in an attempt to be sexy.

This does not work as far as the G&S girls are concerned. "That's as sexy as a pig in shit." Gigi comments.

Tina the med student starts to get a little psycho. She announces that she does NOT like girls rubbing mud all over her future husband. Meanwhile, Stephanie1 is over confident about her relationship with Andy. She thinks that they have real sparks. She says that they have "taking care of their bodies" in common and she rubs mud all over hers to remind him of how well toned hers is. She keeps butting into Andy's conversations with the other girls to get his attention. This ends up not working in her favor as Andy announces that he wants to have his Special Quality Time with Stephanie2. The G&S girls cannot help but giggle at the term Special Quality Time.

The Special Quality Time ends up being massages. Ooh! A real masseuse massages Stephanie2, but then she has to massage Andy herself. Damn, they're always making these girls work! Stephanie2 comments on how muscular Andy is. She seems to enjoy giving him the rub down, but they don't seem to have all that much chemistry.

At the MOD they seem to have a blender full of beer. Are they making the Socialite's milkshakes as a shout out to the last Bachelor?

The next group date is at a race track. The ladies gonna get all NASCAR on Andy's ass. But first they will eat and drink a few toasts to racing. Glug, glug....time to get behind the wheel!

Amanda and Danielle are both awesome racers. Andy seems pretty impressed. Erin, the separated Barbie Twin, goes on and on about how she looooves racing cars and the only way this date could have been better would have been if they were going to go shoot guns! Oh my gosh, is she a transvestite? That would explain the fakety fake blond hair and tan. Turns out she may have been faking her love of racing, too. She is barely able to drive! Oh...it's just that she can't drive a stick-shift. Andy attempts to teach her and wacky hijinks ensue! Actually the car stalls a lot and she hits many of the orange cones. But Andy must have found all of this hilarious, as he picks Erin for the Special Quality Time.

This Special Quality Time seems to be a car ride. At least Andy is driving. He tells Erin he likes her...and then it gets confusing. All of a sudden things are all tense in the Specialqualitytimemobile. Andy pleads with Erin to "come out of your shell!" and she is all "I'm just shy!" Very weird. She doesn't seem like she's in a shell or shy, so the G&S girls don't know what to make of it.

Meanwhile, Tessa and Peyton are at the MOD getting ready to go on their two-fer date with Andy. This is one of the nastiest things that they do on the Bachelor as they pit two girls against each other on a date. The Bachelor chooses one at the end of the date and sends the other home. These girls are both too nice for this to be funny. It's not like last season where they did this with the psycho Socialite and hot Italian Girl.

The date is on a big Naval ship. It's the kind of ship that planes can land on! Oooh. Top Gun! Gigi and Shakira are hoping for a shirtless volleyball scene or some towel snapping, which, while kind of gay is still kind of hot in a weird way. Kind of like La Bare. But there will be no half naked men for our viewing pleasure, only mannequins who are posed in scenes of day to day life on the Naval ship. Are people really so interested in this that they need a museum for it? Well let's hope that Tessa and Peyton are interested, because Andy gives them a thorough tour. He even acts out how he goes through the lunch line and how he gives an exam when he is doctoring. Not in the sexy way....it's more like he's a dad on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

Next there is a romantic dinner...for three. So it's not romantic, even though there are candles and wine. He takes each girl aside for some Special Quality Time. Peyton cracks and starts to plead her case as if she were selling herself to a potential employer. She goes on and on about how she feels a "connection" and how they could be really good together, but it sounds a little desperate.

Tessa and Andy's time together is a little less interview-like. She tells him that she wasn't sure about the experience, but she really enjoys being with him. It seems a little less like a sales pitch.

At rose time, Andy starts to cry. He says that he wishes he had two roses. He says some nice things about both of them, but ultimately he gives the rose to Tessa. Peyton cries, but she's not a bitch about it and doesn't say anything mean about Tessa, so it's not fun to watch, just kind of a downer. And it seems as if Andy and Tessa are taking off in a helicopter and leaving Peyton behind on the runway to watch, so it's even sadder.

Andy and Tessa kiss in the helicopter and it seems like he is not a bad kisser. It's not like those fun make out scenes with Lorenzo! Andy says that he sees "wife material" in Tessa. The G&S girls wonder what that means. Any ideas?

It's cocktail time at the MOD. Andy talks to Amanda. He is asking her questions, but she's pretty evasive about everything. He keeps trying and asks what her most romantic time was. She gives the LAMEST answer of all time and says it was their recent group date. Yep, the one at the race track, where she spent about a minute driving the car with Andy as her passenger. They didn't even hold hands. What the hell is wrong with her? Let's just hope she was lying in a misguided attempt to gain favor.

The two Stephanies sandwich Andy and he tries to get them to be bitchy by wondering aloud how they are different from each other. Stephanie1 is just idiot enough to walk into the trap, so she does all the talking while Stephanie2 smiles placidly. She starts out sounding like she'd like to get bitchy, but then she catches on that being mean will not work in her favor, so she just says lame inconsequential things. Andy wonders about her sincerity.

Tina the med student asks Andy about his flaws and he gives the stock interview answer of "I'm a perfectionist" and "I'm too hard on himself." Boring.

Kate is starting to show her bitchier side. After leaving a talk with Andy, she thinks he sees her as more of a party girl than a wifey and it pisses her off. She's all "What does he want me to do, rescue an orphan from a fire?" Hee!

Finally it's rose time. Tessa and Bevin are sittin' pretty with their roses, and there are seven left. The G&S girls are betting that Amanda and Stephanie1 will get the boot.

The chosen ones are: Amber, Danielle, Stephanie2, Tina the Med Student, BitchyKate, Nicole and Stephanie1. Both Erin and Amanda cry and say things about putting themselves out there and connection, blah blah blah. Bye-bye ladies!

We'll be seeing the rest of these ladies in a week!

Gigi and Shakira 04.25.07