The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman
Episode 2

The show opens with a shot of the lovely Mansion of Desperation, a.k.a. the MOD, a.k.a. the temporary home of the Bachelorettes. The host starts blathering about something. God he is a tool. Why is he necessary? We all understand how this works by now.

We find out that there will be two group dates, but no roses will be presented at the dates. Instead, Andy will spend "special quality time" with each girl and then pick one of them to spend more individual time with her. This just seems like a more convoluted way of doing things, but whatever. Perhaps they want the rose ceremony to be more exciting.

The first group date will be a trip to the Sunset Strip. Seven girls will be accompanying Andy on this jaunt. He pulls up to the MOD in a Lambroghini. "Daaaamn. That car is totally hotter than the Bachelor!" Shakira observes. Since eight adults won't fit into a Lambroghini, even if they are all size zero, they will be traveling in a bus. Ugh.

First stop is The House of Blues. Yes, nothing like hitting a chain bar when you're taking advantage of all the fun a city has to offer. This isn't even the original House of Blues, a place where Gigi enjoyed drinks a few times, when resting from her college studies.

"That House of Blues was cool...it was an old house that was converted into a bar. This one looks like it came from a kit. Lame." The G&S girls wonder if the first Chili's seemed cool. Hey, maybe the group date is heading for a Chili's dinner!

This House of Blues was probably chosen for it's mechanical bull. Who wouldn't want to see the girls getting all Urban Cowgirl while grinding away on the bull like they are in some kind of hoochie rodeo? Well us...but nobody asked. Bummer. Andy, however, says that all the bull riding is turning him on. This leads the G&S girls to remark on how unremarkable Andy seems to be, which is kind of sad giving that he is both a military man and a DOCTOR for God's sake. Why does he seem like kind of an ass?

"He's really kind of blah, isn't he? Not very eloquent...or interesting." Gigi remarks.

"True, but that makes him a perfect candidate for The Bachelor!" says Shakira.

Andy tells the girls that they are going to go to a room full of dresses and each get to pick out their own gown. The girls don't seem to know that the "Room Full o' Dresses" happens on every Bachelor, and are thrilled that Andy thought up such a plan. "I've never had a date take me to a room full of dresses!" enthuses Tiffany.

"Uh, yeah...'cause that would be weird." replies Shakira.

The G&S girls are still wondering whether they have seamstresses on-site at The Bachelor. Or are all of the Bachelorettes the same size? What gives?

So they all get gowned up and head back out. Andy pulls Nicole aside for some special alone time and they dance. It's contrived and annoying, as well as awkward. Fun! He takes Alexis aside next. The G&S girls agree that she is the prettiest of the Bachelorettes. And she is a lawyer, too. She is probably too good for Andy. We find out she is ultra-conservative and was homeschooled. Eek. Andy says that he is also conservative...but open minded. The G&S girls take this to mean that he will want booty sex once the rings are on.

The rest of the group daters discuss whether they kiss on the first date. Wow, what a boring conversation. Bevin says that at her age (a whopping 28) "a kiss is just a kiss." The G&S girls say that it depends where the kiss lands.

Finally it's hot tub time! Andy dorks on and on about getting to see girls in bikinis. He invites Bevin to jump into the pool. They seem to make out under water as bubbles start coming up from their submerged bodies. It's either kissing or a farting contest. The making out in the pool seems more chloriney than sexy, but whatever works.

They come up and Bevin says something inaudible to Andy, which makes him seem surprised. He says that he likes what she whispered in his ear. Hmmm... They are implying that she said something naughty like "Ooh-la-la. Nice cock!" but it may have been, "You fart like a champ! Nice bubbles." She apparently didn't say anything too exciting, because he picks Tiffany for the extra special alone time. Ha!

Andy says he picked Tiffany because she "has depth." This means that she has been a little more reserved and less outwardly desperate than the other girls, while still looking hot. This tactic seems to work well on The Bachelor.

He takes her to "Lookout Point" to "see the view." Uh-huh. This once worked on Gigi in college. The view was not so impressive.

Everything with Andy and Tiffany is totally awkward. Tiffany is pushing the reserved routine...she seems totally uninterested. And Andy is boring. He asks questions like, "Have you ever dated a doctor?" To which Tiffany weirdly replies, "Um, a little." What? These two are killing the G&S girls. They are getting the bad date feeling in the pits of their stomachs from watching this shit.

Back to the mansion! Tina the med student immediately corners Andy and talks to him about med school. This makes Kate snarl and bitch to the other girls about what a "hussy" Tina is. Yikes.

Susan and Erin both look like Barbie dolls. They decide that it would be better for them to go up to Andy together and rehearse what they will say like they are at the middle school dance. It is very strange, even for this show. They seem to be trying a tag-team thing. Well that's one way to get his attention.

The next group date appears to be torture. They have to compete in a mock triathlon and the winner will get special alone time with Andy. That "date" sucks!!! Did these girls lose a bet?

Susan and Erin, the Barbie Twins, decide that they don't like exercise, so they hold hands and walk around the pool while baby-talking. Yep, going with the girl-on-girl angle. But will it work?

Amber wins the alone time with Andy and they sit on the beach to chat. Amber tells him that she loves to cook! Andy says he'll do the dishes! They are too familiar too fast! And it's lame! He says that he finds the beach setting romantic. Wow, how original he is!

Meanwhile Stephanie1 is being a total bitch to the other girls while getting ready for her individual date with Andy. She tells them she is SURE that she'll get a rose after the date. She tries on some teeny tiny dresses that highlight her boobs. This is a good idea, because she is really not so spectacular looking. She has a gummy smile and a Fran Drescher laugh.

On their date, she asks him about his "ideal wedding." Do guys have such a thing? Andy does! He says that he'd like to get hitched in Hawaii. Probably because he finds the beach strangely romantic. She tells him that she too dreams of a small beach wedding! He's all, "Great! We're getting married!" More of the too familiar thing. Ugh.

Next they get in the hot tub! Andy sees her in a bathing suit and immediately gives up the rose. She plants a kiss on him and seems to want more, but he pulls away first. Interesting.

She goes back to the house and brags about the date, showing off the rose. Oddly, she lies about the kissing and says it was on the cheek. What's that all about? Later she eavesdrops on the other girls to hear their bitching about her and making fun of her fake boobs.

On to the Last Hurrah Before the Rose Ceremony at the MOD. Tina the med student tries to get a sympathy rose by telling Andy that boys don't like her because she is ambitious. She says she knows that he won't give her a rose. Way to use that reverse psychology!

Stephanie1 is in her usual bitch mode, as she tries to out Alexis as the virgin. She is being so transparent and childish that her meanness more funny than anything. Alexis is unruffled and basically ignores her.

Andy and Alexis have a little alone time and he asks her about her last relationship. It occurs to the G&S girls that the Bachelors never say much about their last relationships, but always expect the girls to tell them everything. Anyway, Alexis was engaged before, but they broke it off. She then says the annoying, "Divorce is not an option for me." The G&S girls must digress for a moment, because they so love this statement. Hello? Do you think that anyone WANTS divorce to be an option for them? Like everyone else walks down the aisle thinking, "Well, I can always get divorced." Life can sometimes be full of nasty surprises that make you thankful for the options you thought you'd never need. But go ahead and continue to make smug statements like that if it makes you feel good. End of digression. Divorce is not an option for Andy, either. Guess these two will have to kill or be killed if it doesn't work out.

The Barbie twins make a last ditch effort at tempting Andy with the girl on girl thing. They sandwich him on the couch and giggle.

Andy starts to get upset when he thinks of the rose ceremony. "I'm a healer!" he proclaims. "The thought of instilling some pain in some people...it doesn't go very well with my hear and my mind." Eloquent as always.

Tessa and Andy's alone time is a little weird. Mutual foot massages. It's as awkward as it sounds...and kind of gross.

Danielle complains about and earache and mentions her dead boyfriend again. It's good that she can use his memory for a shot at the Bachelor.

Bevin blah blahs about the hard luck story that led her to be a contestant on The Bachelor. She has lived life, already! She's been on her own since she was 15! Maybe she'll get her own Lifetime movie when this is all over.

Andy and Nicole dance again. 'Cause that's their thing! Andy makes some joke about dirty dancing, which falls flat because he's a dork.

Tessa has a meltdown and cries in the bathroom. She says she'll be relieved to not get a rose. How annoyingly passive. Girl, leave already. Show some spunk!!

The announcer comes in like the Grim Reaper to crush the girls hopes and dreams. The G&S girls predict that Bevin and the Barbie Twins will be ousted.

Andy gives a speech before the ceremony. "If you don't get a rose, it may be because we don't have that connection." What an orator!

The roses go to: Tessa, Danielle, Bevin, Amber, Stephanie2, Kate, Nicole, Tina, Peyton, Amanda and Erin. He broke up the Barbie Twins!

Tiffany is surprised that she didn't get a rose, even though she was on the awful date with him. Alexis is not very upset, because she feels that things will work out the way God wants them to. The rejected Barbie Twin is sad.

See ya next week!

-Gigi and Shakira 04.20.07