The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman
Episode 1

The G&S girls were intrigued when they found out that this season's bachelor, Andy Baldwin, is both an officer AND a gentleman. We have always had a fondness for the menz in uniform. "Gentlemen" are a different story, as the term means different things to different people. If his gentlemanliness means he gardens and spends every Friday evening with his mom, then hmmm...no thanks. If it has something to do with him holding doors for the ladies and taking them out to dinner? We endorse. We'll see about this Andy fellow.

We find out that Andy is from the "heartland" which seems to mean Pennsylvania. Who knew? Surely that has something to do with the Amish. Let's hope Andy is not Amish...though wouldn't that make the most interesting Bachelor show ever? "He was really making eyes at that bitch during the barn raising! She can't even churn well..."

Anyway, he is quite a cutie. And apparently he's the all-American nice boy type. He was a newspaper delivery boy and a lifeguard as a teen. Then he joined the Navy, who paid for him to go to medical school. Wait, he's a doctor as well as an Officer and a Gentleman? OK, why can't he get a date? Oh wait, maybe it's because when people think Navy, they think of that Village People song about the Navy, which makes them think he is not a good bet for a relationship thing because he enjoys being at sea for long periods of time in a snappy little uniform with a bunch of other guys. Or maybe that's just Gig's roundabout reasoning.

We find out that the first day of the Bachelor adventure is also Andy's 30th birthday. I guess we can assume he was wishing for the gift of a giant pile of desperate women this year. Is this what the menz want? Because a pile of desperate men sure sounds like a tedious birthday gift to the G&S girls. We would prefer a spa day followed by a nice dinner and drinks.

Andy gets a "first impression rose" to give to the girl who makes the biggest impression on him (has the biggest boobs) at their first meeting. So let's get to the ladies! Here are some standouts:

Peyton is from Tennessee and has the interesting job of being a sorority recruiter. Now there's a noble profession! Who knew that sororities needed to recruit? Doesn't the chance to pay for an exclusive group of friends and date only fratties sell itself to those girls who sucked up the popular group in high school, but could never quite break through?

Catherine is a former Miss Illinois! She apparently has no other profession. Does Illinois pay her royalties for the rest of her life? That is awesome!

Tina is a medical student from LA and looks good in red. She makes some comment about what her fortune cookie said, perhaps to let Andy know that she is Asian.

Erin, a financial analyst from Louisiana has the triple-threat of fakery that drives the menz wild. Fake orange tan, fake super-blond hair and big fake boobs. She is sure to be a contender.

Stephanie is an "organ donor coordinator" from South Carolina. Hmm...that sounds like a worthy occupation...and yet...ew. Don't get a beer out of her cooler, ladies! She gets pushy and asks Andy about the rose. This works and he gives it to her! It doesn't hurt that she also has big boobs. She immediately shows it off and the other girls start sharpening their claws.

Bevin, a clinic research coordinator from California makes a naughty uniform comment, in the spirit of Gorgeous and Sassy.

Tessa is a social worker from California. She is cute, but tells a dumb joke.

Lindsay is a student from Kansas. Maybe it's just an ill-fitting dress, but she totally looks pregnant. Of course the search for a baby daddy could add some spice to this season's Bachelor!

Linda is a lawyer from Ohio. She has the crazy eyes. Look out Andy!

Tiffany from Boston sells medical equipment. She is cute and Andy seems to like her (or maybe he's looking for a discount on syringes and wheelchairs). He asks if she's "pumped," because he sure is. Pumped... Lord.

On to the Meet and Greet of Desperation!

Mama Lindsay says that Andy is "hotter than the Kansas summer!" Why does that sound somewhat unimpressive?

Crazy Linda the lawyer's eyes pop out as she mentions how much she LOVES working out. Bevin also claims to be athletic and shows off some of her scars.

Tina the med student is apparently not as sporty as these girls and needs to do something to get Andy's attention. She decides to sing for him. Why do the ladies always want to serenade the Bachelor? Anyway, she makes the peculiar song choice of the Star Spangled Banner, but then she tries to sex it up by writhing while she sings. Seriously. Ew. Yet Andy seems to like this because he is all patriotic. One of the girls should come out naked, wrapped in the American flag!

Danielle, a girl in purple, informs Andy that a psychic told her that her third boyfriend would be "the one." Andy asks her if she has had two boyfriends and in fact she has! But the last one died. Eek. She's kind of a buzz kill, that Danielle.

Mama Lindsay's hormones must be outta control, because she is a complete bitch! She says that Stephanie, who got the first rose is "heinous" and then nastily asks said heinous girl why she thinks Andy gave her the rose. When Stephanie says that it was probably luck, Lindsay is all, "Yeah, I think so." Damn!

Tessa tells Andy a romantic story....about her mom. He looks baffled (or drunk) and hugs her.

Blakeney, a girl with a very southern accent, gets completely hammered and falls on the floor. Mama Lindsay openly laughs at her. When Blakeney says something about it, Lindsay gets right in her face, all "I heard that!" She says she has "ears like a fucking hawk." Do hawks have ears? The G&S girls are not ornithologists, but that statement does not seem to make sense.

It turns out that Peyton and Andy have the very same birthday! Today!! This makes the other girls sad, because they think she will surely get a rose now. Wouldn't it be funny if Peyton and Andy found out they are really twins and were separated at birth?

Nicole decides to make them a birthday cake. There are no eggs in the fridge, so she uses tequila instead. She is either drunk or a little bit retarded. And damn, what a waste of tequila!

Crazy Linda thinks that her OCD and love of working out make her stand out. In a good way? The G&S girls do not think so.

The bachelorettes try other physical feats in a last ditch effort to get Andy's attention. Kate does the centipede. Stephanie 2 does a backflip. Mama Lindsay does squats, which she may have been practicing in her birthing class.

Finally it is Rose Ceremony time! Stephanie 1 is sitting pretty (and bitchily) with hers. There are 14 left. They go to:

Peyton, Bevin, Kate, Alexia, Danielle, Amber, Tiffany, Tessa, Nicole, Susan, Amanda, Erin, Tina and Stephanie 2.

When it is clear she is not getting a rose, Mama Lindsay storms out in a rage, swearing and foaming at the mouth. Yeah, that'll make him sorry! That girl needs to sign herself up for a stress reducing pre-natal massage. What a shame, though, as she was sure to have been the most interesting Bachelorette. Oh well...on to the next episode.

-Gigi and Shakira 04.05.07