The Bachelor: Abbreviated Version

So Gigi calls me one night and tells me to turn on The Bachelor:Paris stat.

“You can feel the desperation coming out of the TV!” she says.

This sounds too good to be true, so I switch it on. Oh my. Gigi was right. Even though I come in somewhere around the middle, it’s still hard to watch. Below, I try and sum up the painful process that is The Bachelor.

Episode: Down to Four Ladies

The first thing I see when switching on in the middle of the episode is some poor girl confessing the ultimate sin: she’s been married! Gasp! Seriously, who gives a shit? Apparently Travis the Bachelor does and she gets axed. I think that’s totally dumb. The other big issue on this particular episode is something about how Moana (dumb name) doesn’t get along with the other girls in the house. Um, do you really think Travis cares, honey? These girls are idiots.

Episode: Hometown Dates

So now Travis is going home with the final four girls: WSarah (she’s from Winnipeg, Canada, so we’re going with that), Moana (again, dumb name), Sarah (cute school teacher from Tennessee), and Susan (pretty but scary). Uncomfortable and awkward situations that result from taking home a person you barely know ensue:

Moana - California

Moana’s parents are so mean to Travis it reminds me of some experiences I had in Lubbock. Poor guy! Moana’s mom thinks they are destroying lives by being on The Bachelor. She goes on and on about making a mockery of marriage. This is too funny. Uh-oh. Here comes the religion discussion. “Are you a Christian?” Travis fields that one pretty smoothly but Moana’s parents still eye him with distrust. It’s pretty obvious they hate him.

WSarah - Canada

Oh, WSarah, you are so freaking immature. Travis thinks she’s grounded. She promptly refutes this wrong conclusion by confessing to living at home with her mom and that she is jealous and freaked out that there are other girls in the house. WSarah, honey? It’s THE BACHELOR. What did you expect? Her mom, though, looks like a drinker. We could totally hang!

Sarah - Tennessee

Travis makes this asinine prediction: He says that he’ll find out today if Sarah is just someone he wants to go hiking with, or someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He’s going to figure that out TODAY? That’s freakin’ ambitious. Sarah is the only one he hasn’t said he was attracted to right away or that she’s pretty. It’s all about how honest and sweet and nice she is. She’s doomed. Totally doomed. They live half a mile from each other, and she usually runs down his street. Gee, that’s going to be really awkward when this doesn’t work out.

The super annoying thing about this date is that Sarah’s family is having a heart attack that IF Sarah ends up with Travis, he wants to move. Jesus Christ, people, cut the apron strings. People move. You’ll email. You’ll call. You’ll get on an airplane. Check into it.

Then I find out they haven’t even KISSED yet! How are they considering being together for the rest of their lives?! This show is whack.

Susan – Who Cares?

Susan tells him he has a “nice” and “respectful” kiss. He looks confused. So am I. Susan just broke up with a fiancée and her mom thinks that you should not date for one year after breaking up with a long-term boyfriend. Dude, she is harsh! All the girls are worried that Moana is the fake one, but even Susan’s parents think she just wants a career in acting and that’s why she’s there. Way to go Mom and Dad! Support your little girl!

Rose Ceremony

My prediction: He’s going to get rid of Sarah just because I like her so much. Oh yeah, and because he can’t bring himself to kiss her. So then he gives two roses away, and the annoying emcee dude comes out and says, “Final rose.” Like we can’t count? I mean, there were only three to begin with.

WSarah goes down.

Awww, poor immature WSarah. He says he’ll miss her. Like when? He has three overnight dates coming up! Does he mean that he’ll miss her in between having sex with three other girls?

Episode: Overnight Dates

The flashback section of this show KILLS me. I cannot watch this crap so I fast forward.

Travis says: Overnight dates are about “sitting down and getting to know someone.” Translation: “Have sex.”

Moana – Italy

Oooh, Travis says Moana excites him. He is in Italy—he has a new language to learn, he says. “A little ciao, a little gratzi...” Wow, he’s already got it down! Moana says she feels like it’s done already and she’s the one standing with him at the end. Are we going to hear them play that back when he picks someone else? I am a bitch!

Travis says: “Moana has opened up to me in a way I never expected.” This just strikes me as a weird thing to say. It sounds kind of gross, actually. Does this mean she is being honest? Does this mean he’s learned a lot about her in the past 10 hours? Isn’t that the total of how long they have known each other?

Um, why do the girls thank him for things? Shouldn’t they be thanking ABC? He’s not paying for these damn dates.

Travis and Moana are having a romantic dinner. Here is an example of Moana opening up to him…I think. Moana says: “I think you do teach me. A lot of things about life. More than anything, I think you’ve taught me the possibility to continue to learn in areas I thought I’d been stalemating in.” And yeah. I don’t even have to make a comment, do I?

Then he says that everything surrounding them disappears when he’s with her, but if so, why is he bringing up the whole experience? Why would he continue the dates? Wouldn’t he just give her the rose and get on with it?

Time for the Fantasy Suite! (Why does this sound so funny to me? Are there whips and chains and whipped cream in there?) Oh, now he’s “more confused than ever.” I thought he didn’t think about that when he was with Moana. That Travis. He is a sly devil. And of course they go to the Fantasy Suite, where we cannot see inside the doors.

Sarah – Austria

You know, Sarah is my favorite. Really, she is. But he and Sarah have zero chemistry. Seriously. He’s not so hot for teacher. Poor Sarah wants better kisses. Doomed, I tell you. Boring boring boring date.

But that does not stop Travis from busting out the Fantasy Card. I realize she keeps saying the SAME thing over and over…maybe because she’s a kindergarten teacher. Now they are kissing forever and ever and I’m falling asleep.

Susan – French Alps (I think)

Why do they have to keep explaining the point of having the overnight date alone? I get it. The getting-to-know-each-other, the Fantasy Suite, er, I mean, the sex. Oh whatever.

Pretty Susan gets all excited about rock climbing. I would have failed here because I would have said, “Um, no.”

I think she’s a liar liar liar. She totally wants to be on TV. She says some bullshit about how this is not a competition and that’s how he can rest assured that she is real. Of course this is a competition. That’s exactly what it is. So then there’s this blah blah blah about her and the other girls and she has to defend herself. Why don’t they play the tape back so we can see how she acted? I don’t understand these reality shows sometimes…the proof is on tape.

She likes relaxing environments and she’s a self-described homebody but she wants to live in L.A.?

Susan, in a word…or two…you suck.

Aaaaaand Fantasy Suite. Gross. Does he have sex with all of these women?

Rose Ceremony

Susan’s dress in rose ceremony is bad. God, she keeps talking about how honest she is…she protests too much! She also looks like she has stalker potential.

I must admit to being happy (yet shocked) when he chooses Sarah.

Travis says to Susan: “I swear I will never forget you.”

And I wonder…while he is saying goodbye to the girl who loses, are the other two in there comparing notes?

Susan is “mystified.” Then she refers to herself as “professional.” Um, doesn’t that sound like she’s been acting all this time?

Episode: The Final Rose (or Ring)

I fast-forward through the recap. This thing is two hours long and I want to get through it in one.

Warning: this episode has many retarded cheesy lines courtesy of Moana. Example: “I’ve never looked into the eyes of a person and seen my own soul staring back at me before.” Shut up Moana.

Sarah

Travis’s family comes to Paris to meet the girls. Sarah tells his sister her first impression was that he was “so hot!” She is a little firecracker!

Oh, Mom is a bitch. Total bitch. I’m scared of her. And Sarah looks scared too when she goes to the other room to be interrogated by the parents. Poor thing. Mom, why do you look pissed off? Oh wait, now she and the sister are crying. Because of Travis’s “outpouring of emotion?” Really? This show is dumb. Wait until they hear one of Moana’s lines about Travis “rocking her to the core.” Then they’ll cry.

The family waits as Travis and Sarah kiss goodbye and says, “we could never see her again!” Well, she does shop at the same grocery store you do in Nashville. I bet you’ll see her.

Can Moana make an “equally good impression?” Travis wonders. If she doesn’t bust out the stupid lines, she might have a fighting chance.

Moana

Moana says Travis meeting her family was “really cool.” Dude, was she there? It was horrible. God, she’s freakin’ cryin’ again. Shut up Moana! You’re crazy! Travis’s sister says the crying caught her off-guard. Translation: The crazy girl scared her.

Travis always talks about how Moana looks. “She’s beautiful” but Sarah is just “sweet.” And Moana is “very adventurous.” I think that means she likes having sex.

Moana says she will follow him anywhere! Then she and his brother-in-law make fun of Ft. Worth. Oh that’s hilarious. Who would follow someone to TEXAS?

So now we’re at dinner with the whole family. She’s totally not talking about what really happened with her parents. Yup, because it sucked!! Moana is going down in flames. Woooooo! For some reason, she won’t answer why she thinks she and Travis have a connection. Or…she can’t.

Then she says: “I’ve never encountered another person in my life that’s looked at me, knowing nothing about me and recognizing everything and accepting it.” God, is she a corporate whore? Because that’s the other place where people say a bunch of words without saying anything at all.

Not surprisingly, Dad still doesn’t understand why Moana is attracted to Travis. I hope she starts crying again. Then she uses the soul statement again. And yes! She’s crying! Then she says something about being a “solid person. Moana, therapy. Therapy, Moana. You should meet.

Moana tells Travis that things went great with his parents. Which is a lie. Just like she thinks things were great with her parents. She is in total denial.

Travis says only he and Moana understand their connection. Because it’s hard to understand The Crazy. He tries to explain to his parents that Moana’s emotions don’t define her—she’s happy-go-lucky! She’s adventurous! She’s fine!

Okay, so that part is over. When’s the stupid rose…aw fuck, they have one more date before the rose ceremony? First there’s all this crap where the girls try on their dresses with their moms who have come to surprise them. How do all those dresses fit each girl? When I try on dresses, they gap and pull at all the wrong places. Am I that weirdly proportioned? And then they try on rings. Okay, it’s really cute that Sarah’s hand is shaking.

One hour, 3 minutes in. Stupid last dates. Here we go. Dying. I. Am. Dying.

Sarah – Final Date

She takes a loooooooong pull off of her wine. She’s making her last hard sell. Go, girl, go! She wants to know if he knows how she feels about him. Okay, Sarah, shhhh. Shhhh honey. Now you sound…well, like a girl. And I’m bored again.

Moana – Final Date

Wanna place bets on whether or not she’ll cry? He’s the “most incredible person” she’s ever met in her life. Again with that shit. She reminds me of TomKat. And seriously...how long have you known the guy, Moana?

Travis can’t understand why the girls in the house didn’t like Moana. She cooked for them and they hated her. Duh, she probably cooked cheesy enchiladas and rice and beans to fatten everyone up and it pissed them off. And then they were jealous when she kept getting roses.

And here it comes: “You gave me a piece of myself.” I hate her. Then she says she doesn’t need him. But if he has a piece of her soul, won’t that be uncomfortable to separate?

GWH wanders into the room and squints at the TV. “Distribution Manager? What does she distribute? BJs?”

And that’s done.

Rose Ceremony

We see Travis wearing a muscle shirt to think hard (no pun intended) about his ladeez. What the hell? There’s a weird video montage. We see both of the girls writing in journals. Oh no. Moana is talking again: “We collided into each other.” Now we see that Sarah breaks down in her hotel room, which makes the ratio like 1:10 of Moana’s breakdowns. That seems to make her much less of a crazy person in comparison!

Shit! He’s going to buy a ring! Holeeee shit! Both girls picked the same ring. 2.2 carats.

Aaaaand Moana says something else that will really come back to haunt her: “Happily ever after.” Um, seriously? I think one couple has worked out as a result of this show.

So finally Moana is going in to the rose ceremony. Heee. She can’t keep her left boob in. And her hair is all BladeRunner. Why, Moana, why? Travis makes a speech…and I can’t tell which way it’s going and then he says, “But…” And blah blah something about how he didn’t choose her. Moana is shocked. I am so happy for Sarah! But dude, Moana is kinda bringin’ me down. I know how it feels to have your heart broken in pieces. There she goes again; she says Travis will have a piece of her she can never get back. Again, isn’t that painful? She’s not crying. How did she cry through the whole f’in show and not now?

She says she’s “emotionally devastated” but still…not crying. Okay, here it comes. Wait for it…okay, we have tears. She’s never been so “vulnerable” before. She feels like a fool. Did she ever get dumped before? She says she never should have opened up, and that it was really hard for her to give her heart. She’s said this before and it bugs me because that doesn’t make her different than anyone else. It’s hard for EVERYONE, sister. I promise.

It really sucks that she got all gussied up just to go home. I hope she takes her new duds on the town or something. Go get a cocktail, girlfriend! And…goodbye!

Okay, so it’s Sarah’s turn. Aw, dude I might cry. This is going to be really sweet. Whaaaat? The ring is on a necklace. What is he doing? Is it a promise ring? Hmm. He kinda stole his own thunder there.

And that’s it. Think they’ll last?

-Shakira 03.08.06