Bachelorettin' Part 1 - Penises and Limos

LP drives Gigi to Shakira's Purple Palace. He nervously kisses her goodbye, saying, "Uh...be good...I mean, have a good time!"

"Will do!" Gigi leaps from the car, eager to get to the festivities.

Shakira has truly outdone herself with the many phallic decorations...and phallic snacks.

"Cocktail weenie?" she asks Gigi, directing her to a crock pot full of teeny cheese filled sausages. Mmmm.

The ladies arrive and immediately put their G&S names on cute penis shaped name tags. In attendance are: Sweet Thang, Vixen, Amorous, Zorra, 2-Chord Juanita, Natasha, Lil E, Jujube and Sweetitz. Zorra presents Gigi with her Bride-to-Be" tank top, passed on from Jersey Girl, the last bride. Who will Gigi be passing the shirt to next? She asks, but the girls all avert their eyes and ignore her. Bitches. The ladies have also provided Gigi with a veil and tiara to wear for the evening.

Sweet Thang relays the bad news: La Bare Austin has a $20 cover charge! What the fuck? La Bare, while lovely, has NEVER been worth $20. The G&S girls decide that they will pass. Who knows if they'll ever get to the new La Bare Austin? It seemed way more exciting when they had to drive three hours to see schlongs flapping in the (fan generated) breeze in Dallas. Not that their last trip was so spectacular.

Luckily Shakira, a.k.a. the Cruise Director, has a better plan for the night's activities. She announces that they've hired a big ol' limo, which will drive the girls around to wherever they wish to be all night long. Awesome! She also has a pack of "Truth or Dare" cards to add a little spice to the evening. The ladies gather up their penis straws, a bag of Ruffles (Best. Chip. Ever.) and several bottles of champagne and make their way down to the waiting ride.

And dude, it is some sweet ride. It's a stretch limo, baby! Complete with ice, sodas, music and a moon roof. The girls are finally traveling in a style that befits them.

"I can’t remember the last time I was in the company of so many gorgeous and sassy woman." says Gigi,as she raises her glass for the first of many champagne toasts. The Gorgeous and Sassy bachelorettes just cannot turn off their cute.

Sweet Thang spots some oddly attired folks walking on 6th St. "Are those chickens?" she asks. She and Sweetitz roll down the window for a better look. "Bock bock, bitches!" They raise their glass to their new feathered friends.

Vixen looks stunned. "I’ve lost my penis!" she says mournfully.

"No worries!" says Amorous, "We can share a penis."

"I just can’t keep my eyes off your penis." Lil E tells them appreciatively.

The girls decide to go to some of the places where Gigi particularly enjoyed her six years of Austin singlehood.

First stop: Logan's. Yeah, it's always been kind of a frattie/military boy bar, but it's old school G&S. Gigi and Shakira enjoyed drinking at Logan's before Gigi was free of that nasty first husband and Shakira was free of Nurse Egon. The pre-Gorgeous and Sassy days, known as the era of Bitter and Bored. Logan's shows movie clips between songs, and more importantly they serve "The Big Beer." The girls have lots of good, if hazy, memories from this place.

"I believe this was where I first met Frat Boy Slim." Gigi reminisces with Shakira. Yikes. "He's not here, is he?"

After performing a few of the truth or dare challenges (who knew so many men had hidden tattoos?) the ladies decide to move on. But not before they are reminded that the bachelorette night just happens to coincide with a special TABC crack down on drunkards.

"Damn. That is baaaad timing!" 2-Chord Juanita moans. "We will have to use all of our acting skills NOT to make spectacles of ourselves."

"Well, at least we have a getaway car." Jujube consoles the group.

Next stop, Club De Ville. And who is at the door but NPJ! Gigi leaps into his arms (sorry about your back NPJ!) and screams, "It's my bachelorette party!!!!! Woo-hooo!!!" while she waves her penis straw around. Way to not make a spectacle of yourself, Gigi!

While the other ladies go off to perform dares and scoop up hotties, Gigi and Shakira do some more reminiscing. Gigi recalls another special friend they met at de Ville, Le Artiste. He and Gigi spent one lovely evening making out in the back of the bar. That was a lovely surprise, as Gigi had always assumed such stylish dressers were gay. Not so. Unfortunately, Le Artiste has gone on to that canvas in the sky. Gigi and Shakira toast his memory, then pour one out for their dead homie.

Oh no! The mood is getting somber. And the penis straw between Shakira's boobs is getting uncomfortable. The ladies must move on...to their final destination. To the king of all pick up bars! That's right: Fado.

They pile back into the limo, then wave to all of the people they pass. "We're in a limo and you're not!"

They open another bottle of champagne. "POP" goes the cork. "That's the second best sound in the world," proclaims Zorra. The rest of the ladies forget to ask what the first best sound is.

Ah Fado! It's been too long. All eleven bachelorettes do the customary first lap around the bar. Gigi and Killa Gorilla once christened it the "Prelapsarian Lap" or just the "Pre-lap." You always remember that first possibility-filled lap fondly while wondering where you left your underwear the next day.

It makes Gigi's head hurt to reminisce about boys she encountered at Fado. There are simply too many. The Neurotic Grad Student, the Leprechaun and Officer Jorts quickly come to mind. Damnz. No wonder she had to retire. Those boys were all exhausting!

Gigi and Shakira head up to request songs from the dj. The rest of the girls begin dancing and carrying on.

Natasha has caught the eye of a cute guy. He isn't even intimidated by her penis sticker as he asks for her number. That's one brave soul! Sweet Thang becomes aware of a trend. "The guys love us, and the girls fuckin' hate us!" How can this be? No need for jealousy! G&S has love to spare.

The night grows late and the girls grow tired. And hungry. They want more Ruffles and cocktail weenies. They wave goodbye to the adoring crowds (as well as the haters) and make their way back to the limo. Good Night Austin!!

- Gigi and Shakira 03.31.06