Kickin' It Austrian-Style, Take 7

The Londoner is super crazy intensely mind-numbingly painfully crowded. And oh yeah, El Dilector and I are not drunk yet. We decide to check out a bar called Take Five. Well, it's not a bar, actually. It's a disco!

We walk in, past the empty dance floor and over to the bar. There are striped black and white couches against mirrored walls and a subdued mood. I feel like we just walked into a swingers party. Wie sagen sie swinger? We're sitting at the bar when I notice the wine list. Dude, 1980 Euros for a bottle of champagne! That better be some magic fuckin' champagne.

Cute Austrian boys come over to hit on me as soon as El Dilector takes off for the bathroom. I am really digging one of them but his friend keeps talking to me instead. He's wearing this weird shirt with "I love you" embroidered on it. Why is it that the cute guy's friend is always the one hitting on me? Perhaps the cute ones don't speak English.

El Dilector joins us and starts talking to the Austrian crew. It turns out they do ceilings. Denunziant and The Timo are both in flooring. "Guess what these guys do?" El Dilector says to me. "They make ceilings. We got floors and ceilings covered. We just need some walls."

The place has pumped up quite a bit after we down a couple of beers and talk to the Austrian crew for a while. I'm walking through the dance floor on my way to the bathroom and I get punched accidentally in the crotch by some overzealous dancer. Dude, the wacky Europeans are getting it on!

It's time to head back to The Londoner and see if we can find our peeps to say goodbye. I grab Cute Austrian Boy and plant a wet one on him. What the hell-he doesn't speak much English, but surely he understands the language of love!

We're trying to get the hell out of there and it's like we can't remember the way. Did we drink that much? Did we drink some of the magic champagne?

"Dude, I am so lost!" I tell El Dilector.

"Yeah!" he agrees. "This place is like a rat maze!"

As we enter The Londoner, it's a sight to behold. Three guys up on chairs. Crazy Brit is on one. Dodi is on another. Cute Canuck is on a third. And everyone is belting out the words to "Livin' on a Prayer." Oh my God. I love this place. Do I really have to leave? And more importantly, which one do I dance with?

I finally choose Crazy Brit and his friends help me into the chair. After a couple of songs, I decide I need a beer and make my way to the bar. On my way back, I stop by Cute Canuck's chair and say hi. He's excited to find me-as he stopped by my place earlier and wanted to hang out tonight. Heee. So we're talking when this guy walks up to me and claims he heard me speaking English so he wanted to talk.

"Okay, I lied-I love your freckles-you're beautiful." He's a soldier stationed in Germany. I salute him.

"Do you want to come back to Germany with me?" he pleads.

"I have to go home tomorrow…back to the States…I'm sorry," I apologize, while Cute Canuck looks on. And Dodi is still on the chair. I glance over to smile at him.

"Then we'll get married and you can stay!" Philly declares, and slips off his high school graduation ring. "Here, this is for you!"

He's hugging me and I'm putting the ring on and Cute Canuck is still wondering what the hell I'm up to and I think Dodi sort of is to and then I hear my name. I turn around and it's Cute Austrian boy from Take Five. Oh shit. Too many boys. Too little time.

"Hey, I'm engaged!" I yell at Cute Austrian and then give the ring back to Philly. "I gotta pee," I say and throw an apologetic look at the whole crew. Damn, my gorgeous and sassiness is totally out of control!

I'm on my way to the bathroom (well, I'm really just running away) when the Irishman accosts me.

"Hey there, gorgeous, what's going on? Buy you a beer?"

So I go to the bar with him, while trying to avoid everyone else…and find El Dilector. "I need help!" I tell him. "Which one…"

El Dilector is busy with his own ladies and isn't paying any attention to my dilemma. Irishman is asking where I'm staying. And the end to this one is for me to know and the rest of you to try and find out.

Mmmm. Good night and good bye Kitzbuhel!!!

-Shakira 02.05.04